Based on stories by P.G.Wodehouse

Before we begin, I thought it would be best to introduce myself. Well... that seems almost humorous now that I've said it! After all... there aren't many people who do not recognize my celebrity!
I don't have my face posted on cereal boxes or trolleys but I do say, if you know the right circles, I am quite the popular image. Yes, well, enough of the niceties... You are all about to see a remarkable... uh... a stupendous... well, just a terrific spectacle of... ummm... Hold on a moment.

Jeeves! Jeeves!

-Yes sir.

What are they about to see?

-Your banjo concert, sir.

Yes, of course! How could I have forgotten!

-Boggles the mind, sir.

Well, you are all about to experience the 1996 rendition of my famous concert! There have been updated recordings and even a new streak of my fame to leap around the upper crust ranks of one New York City! But this particular version is unique in and of itself. Yes... well... right. So... on with the concert.

SOME INTRODUCTORY CHAT

BERTIE: Let me get this straight, Jeeves. This is a recording, you say?

JEEVES: Precisely, sir.

BERTIE: Of my recent banjo concert?

JEEVES: Yes, sir.

BERTIE: I see.

JEEVES: Is there a problem, sir?

BERTIE: Forgive me, Jeeves, but... if I recall correctly- and I could be wrong- please put me straight if I am- if I recall correctly, for the bulk of the evening not a single banjo note was played...

JEEVES: No,sir.

BERTIE: I hardly have to remind you that my banjo was stolen, Jeeves. Curtain up on an empty handed maestro, faced with row upon row of disappointed banjo lovers.

JEEVES: A musical tragedy,sir.

BERTIE: Not a moment to press between the leaves of life's scrapbook, Jeeves.

JEEVES: Hardly, sir.

BERTIE: So why precisely are we recording it?

JEEVES: It was felt that a record should be made of the manner in which you personally coped with the crisis...

BERTIE: Really? Did I?

JEEVES: In masterful fashion, sir. As you will no doubt recall...

BERTIE: So I did. It all comes flooding back as if it were last Tuesday.

WOOSTER WILL ENTERTAIN YOU

BERTIE: Jeeves!

JEEVES: Sir?

BERTIE: Where are you going? Don't leave me here! What am I going to do?

JEEVES: Entertain, sir.

BERTIE: How on earth do I entertain them when I'm totally un-banjo-ed? Turn and run?

JEEVES: Just not done. Bearing in mind... the code.

BERTIE: You mean the Woosters?

Time to break out those tap shoes
Twinkle those tootsies and hit the beat.

JEEVES: If you recall,sir. One snag-

BERTIE: I've two left feet. I do remember...
Sing them a spot of opera?

JEEVES: I'd strongly oppose that choice.

BERTIE: Bad idea?

JEEVES: Wasted here.

BERTIE: Better to save the voice for smarter functions.
How do I entertain them?
Showbiz traditions upheld, be blowed.
You wouldn't see me for dust
But for that code,
And yet, what would a chap do without it?
How would he get through without it?
How could be stay true without the code of the Woosters?
If you're at sea, I shall be there
Even put off tea to be there
Woosters have swum oceans for the code of allegiance
duly owed to the Wooster code- what a load.

I appear to be in some quandary.
Tell me what is a chap to do?
Walk high wire? Swallow fire?
Give them the old soft shoe-
(can't do that either)-
How do I entertain them?

JEEVES: Might I suggest that you reminisce.

BERTIE: And what precisely-

JEEVES: May I?
Something like this-

BERTIE: Just a minute, hold it... Jeeves! Did you say reminisce?

JEEVES: Perhaps an anecdote or two, sir...

BERTIE: An anecdote or two? Jeeves- there's enough time left on this recording for me to read them the entire works of Proust. Oh well, I'm still not certain this is going to work, Jeeves. Nonetheless...

Whenever it calls, can't ignore it, even give up ascot for it
Woosters have died gladly for the call of-
For that rugged, heavy load called the Wooster Code.
Oh what the heck!
Yes, Wooster will entertain you!
So let me allay your fears.
Look at those rows and rows
Some on the edge of tears, I couldn't do it...
Wooster will entertain you using the talents that God bestowed...
No need to panic
He'll stay true to his code.
No, Wooster will entertain you
Can always be sure of that!
He'll prevail, should he fail, Bertram will eat his hat with bags of mustard!
Wooster will entertain you- Watch out! The fireworks will soon explode!
No need to worry- He'll stick
True to his code!
He's prepared to stand and fight,
turning darkness into light-
Ubique illuminatus-
Woosters world over unite!
Settle down and just sit tight,
Everything will be all right!
He'll entertain you tonight!

THE PLOT THICKENS

BERTIE: Oh, this could be quite fun, you know, Jeeves.

JEEVES: I trust so, sir.

BERTIE: On with the narrative, what?

JEEVES: May I sir?

BERTIE: Of course.

JEEVES: On the particular date in question, you awoke from a troubled sleep, doubtless caused by certain events that had occured the previous day. The main attraction being your appearance before the Magistrate's bench, presiding Magistrate Sir Watkyn Bassett.

BERTIE: Good Lord!

JEEVES: A minor incident, sir.

BERTIE: Really?

JEEVES: Concerning a police constable's helmet and a fountain, sir.

BERTIE: Oh, one of those incidents. Righto- carry on.

JEEVES: You had with typical ingenuity escaped any far reaching repurcussions by giving the court an assumed name...

BERTIE: Ah! Clever, eh? What name did I give them?

JEEVES: That of your friend, Augustus Finknottle, sir.

BERTIE: Gussie? Quick thinking on my part, then.

JEEVES: Very sir. By coincidence on the morning afterwards, Mr. Finknottle arrived at your flat in some considerable state of agitation.

BERTIE: Why was that?

JEEVES: Apparently, Mr. Finknottle had developed amorous inclinations towards Sir Watkyn Bassett's daughter, sir.

BERTIE: Who? Madeline Bassett?

JEEVES: The same, sir.

BERTIE: Poor chap.

JEEVES: Mr. Finknottle, although by nature rather reticent, was therefore anxious to impress not only Madeline but Sir Watkyn himself.

BERTIE: Tricky. Especially for Gussie. Not a man with an inbuilt social flow.

JEEVES: Hardly, sir. Mr. Finknottle's task was not made easier by the fact that he had apparently appeared the previous day before Sir Watkyn.

BERTIE: Oh yes, meaning I had... pretending to be?

JEEVES: Precisely, sir. Mr.Finknottle was therefore compelled to adopt a similar subterfuge and had declared his intention of traveling to Totleigh Towers, home of Sir Watkyn, adopting the psuedonym Bertram Wooster.

BERTIE: You mean he- he...

JEEVES: I believe, in common parlance, the phrase is tit for tat, sir.

BERTIE: I am flabbergasted, Jeeves. Is this the action of a friend?

JEEVES: Friendship is constant in all other things save in the office and affairs of love.

BERTIE: So what did I do, lie low, obviously?

JEEVES: I believe that was your first instinct. Only unfortunately, this sir.

BERTIE: What's that?

JEEVES: An item in the Times personal column. May I, sir?

BERTIE: By all means. Read away.

JEEVES: The Engagement is announced between Bertram Wilberforce Wooster of Berkely Mansions, W.1. and Stephanie, daughter of the late Sir George and Mary Byng of Brightham Hall...

BERTIE: Jeeves!

JEEVES: That is what was stated, sir.

BERTIE: I need hardly remind you that Stiffy is the ward of our old friend Watkyn Bassett. What kind of reception is that announcement going to get from that quarter? Or from other quarters. Honoria Glossop to name but several... What on earth did I do?

JEEVES: To Totleigh Towers, sir.

BERTIE: A flying visit for all of ten seconds... Tackle Stiffy, give strong peice of mind and return immediately...

JEEVES: Having, first, of course, sensibly adopted the nom de plume Augustus Finknottle.

BERTIE: Good point. Mr. Wooster being-

JEEVES: Being already on his way there in the company of Sir Watkyn.

BERTIE: I'm beginning not to like the sound of this plot, Jeeves. So, I hit the open road, did I?

JEEVES: You did, sir.

BERTIE: Away dull care!

JEEVES: Exactly.

BERTIE: Leaving my troubles behind me.

JEEVES: Indeed, sir. I fear those lay ahead.

BERTIE: What's that?

JEEVES: Nothing, sir.

TRAVEL HOPEFULLY

BERTIE: I've invariably found... that feet kept on the ground
Allow the grass to grow
Check your mirrors front and rear, slip smoothly into gear
Then hit the road and go- VROOM!
Feel the pistons steady beat, the camshaft 'neath your feet
That big end start to fly...

JEEVES: May I advise a modicum of caution, sir.

BERTIE: He who hesitates is lost,
Burn bridges once they're crossed
Don't stop to say goodbye.

JEEVES: There is a blind corner approaching, sir.

BERTIE: My philosophy's to travel hopefully and making each day that I survive
An opportunity to share the company that welcomes me when I arrive.
Hark the missle-thrushes cry, the hedgerows rushing by,
The curlew on the wing...

JEEVES: That is a crow, sir.

BERTIE: List! Some distant church's bells
'Midst bracing country smells
Those fields of golden... thing...

JEEVES: Corn, sir.

BERTIE: My philosophy's to travel hopefully and making each day that I survive
An opportunity to share the company that welcomes me when I arrive.
Travel's broadened out my mind until today you'll find...

JEEVES: The widest head I know...

BERTIE: Thank you, Jeeves. You did say wisest, didn't you?

JEEVES: Oh yes sir.

BERTIE: Every traveler I meet, I'll always stop to greet

JEEVES: Be careful how you go, sir.

BERTIE: My philosophy's to travel hopefully and making each day that I survive
An opportunity to share the company that welcomes me when I arrive.
Travel hopefully with me and I will guarantee they'll be no cause for doubt
Hit the nearest country track
No time for looking back
Look onward and LOOK OUT!

A CURIOUS HEDGEHOG INCIDENT

BERTIE: Good Lord!!! What happened? Did I hit something?

JEEVES: I fear so, sir.

BERTIE: A sheep?

JEEVES: No, sir.

BERTIE: A duck?

JEEVES: A person, sir.

BERTIE: Oh, one of those. I don't remember this bit.

JEEVES: I understand the third party did, sir.

BERTIE: Why? Who was it?

JEEVES: It turned out to be none other than one of your oldest friends, Mr. Bingo Little.

BERTIE: Bingo? What on earth was he doing pacing the open road?

JEEVES: Hiking for Hedgehogs, sir.

BERTIE: I beg your pardon?

JEEVES: Apparently, due to the traffic, there had been a drastic reduction to their numbers. There was a move afoot to build them a tunnel under the road. To that end a charity walk involving some two hundred hikers had been organized in support of this good cause.

BERTIE: How extraordinary. Gussie I can imagine but Bingo- not a Hedgehog man I'd have thought. What got him started on that?

JEEVES: Rather who, sir?

BERTIE: Then who?

JEEVES: Miss Glossop, sir.

BERTIE: Honoria?

JEEVES: Yes, sir.

BERTIE: Honoria Glossop? My ex-fiancee Honoria, narrowly escaping with my life and lucky to be still alive Honoria? That Honoria Glossop?

JEEVES: The same, sir.

BERTIE: Good grief.

JEEVES: Mr.Little was apparently besotted.

BERTIE: Poor chap. Did I help him? Or was he beyond help?

JEEVES: Much against Mr. Little's better judgement you offered him a lift, sir.

BERTIE: Preferred walking did he?

JEEVES: Mr. Little was anxious not to be seen accepting lifts by Miss Glossop. She might have interpreted this as cheating. However you reassured him that owing to your detailed knowledge of the local area there was no possibility of her catching sight of you.

BERTIE: Splendid. On the road once more, then.

JEEVES: In the company of Mr.Little, sir.

TRAVEL HOPEFULLY (CONTINUED)

BINGO: Sounds sweet!

BERTIE: Goes like a bird. Hold on to your hat!

BINGO: Hey this is more like it!

BOTH: My philosophy's to travel hopefully and making each day that I survive
An opportunity to share the company that welcomes me when I arrive...

BINGO: Travel hopefully with me
Let all your thoughts run free

BERTIE: We can't have come this far...

BINGO: What's that?

BERTIE: Nothing.

BINGO: Till with any luck you'll feel
Your inner voice reveal

BERTIE: Just where the hell we are...

BOTH: Hopeful travelers me and you!

IN WHICH MY CHARACTER IS TESTED

BERTIE: And then, Jeeves? What next?

JEEVES: Unfortunately, sir, due to a navigational error, you contrived to meet the hikers coming from another direction.

BERTIE: Including Honoria?

JEEVES: Especially Miss Glossop, sir. Unable to avoid her, you hid Mr. Little in the back seat, covering him with a traveling rug and prepared to face Miss Glossop alone.

BERTIE: That took character. How was she?

JEEVES: Somewhat- amorously inclined, sir.

BERTIE: Towards yours truly...

JEEVES: I regret so.

BERTIE: Time had not staled...

JEEVES: Rather absence had made the heart grow fonder. Fate had now intervened...

BERTIE: Yes. It's got a nasty way of doing that, hasn't it?

THAT WAS NEARLY US

HONORIA: Did you see that couple there?

BERTIE: Can't say I did.

HONORIA: Standing by the tree?

BERTIE: Really, was it raining?

HONORIA: That was nearly us back there.

BERTIE: Don't quite follow.

HONORIA: Nearly you and me.

BERTIE: Oh, yes. I see. Brrrrrrmmmm.

HONORIA: Bertie, you've been badly neglected.
You need a wife who'll correct it.
The secret with men of course is to treat them a bit like horses...
Did you see those lovers there?

BERTIE: No I think they were pheasants, actually...

HONORIA: Even you could see.

BERTIE: Oh lovers! I thought you said plovers, sorry.

HONORIA: Oh so nearly us back there...

BERTIE: Was it? Nearly ran over them, then...

HONORIA: Nearly you and me.

BERTIE: Appear to be running out of... cardboard.

HONORIA: Could it be we took some wrong turning?
Is this a lesson worth learning?
Can't you see that couple there
Could well have been you and me?

BERTIE: Hump back bridge.

HONORIA: That was nearly us back there... Mmmm
Wouldn't you concur?

BERTIE: Hairpin bend, hang on.

HONORIA: He was so like you back there.
I could have been her.

BERTIE: No, I think they were both very much shorter.

HONORIA: Here you are so vital, attractive-
would that your brain was as active-
You're nobody's intellectual
You hot-blooded heterosexual...

BERTIE: Oh now, simmer down...

HONORIA: Was it merely lucky chance
Brought us here today?
Victims both of circumstance, meeting you this way.

BERTIE: Bbbbrrrrrm, Bbbbrrrm.

HONORIA: It's as though our lives had ben frozen
Back on the paths we'd both chosen
Giving us a fleeting glimpse of all that was meant to be.
That was surely us back there
It's as clear as day
If we'd both kept faith back there
Hadn't lost our way...

BERTIE: Nearly there... Here's the village.

HONORIA: What if we defied dull convention
Stood up to shout our intention?

BERTIE: Steady!

HONORIA: If we'd followed our heart's volition,
And shed our last inhibition!

BERTIE: Screech! Here we are at last!

HONORIA: That's our future life back there!

BERTIE: Cheerio then!

HONORIA: Bertie, can't you see?

BERTIE: You'd better hop in there smartish!

HONORIA: That was meant for us back there...

BERTIE: You don't want to get gangrene!

HONORIA: All we're meant to be.
Time we took the plain facts and faced them
Turned in our tracks and retraced them,
Back to where that couple there
So clearly were you and me...

DAYS OF JAM AND MAZES

JEEVES:The consequence of Miss Glossops advances was to incense Mr. Little considerably.

BERTIE: Why? It wasnt my fault, was it? I cant help it if Im irresistible, can I?

JEEVES: Hardly, sir.

BERTIE: Always been the same as far as Im concerned. With women. Cant think why.

JEEVES: A mystery, sir.

BERTIE: Flies round a jam pot, eh?

JEEVES: Speaking of jam, sir, the first person you met on your covert arrival at Totleigh Towers was Mr. Cyrus Budge.

BERTIE: The Third.

JEEVES: Yes, sir.

BERTIE: Junior.

JEEVES: Yes, sir.

BERTIE: Son of Cyrus Budge III, Senior? Biggest jam manufacturer in the United States? Beg his pardon, biggest jelly manufacturer, rather.

JEEVES: The self-same, sir.

BERTIE: Good grief, theres a chap to avoid.

JEEVES: Mr. Budge declared a newly acquired and deeply felt attraction towards Miss Bassett.

BERTIE: A rival for Gussie, eh?

JEEVES: Currently posing as Mr.Wooster.

BERTIE: Currently posing as Mr.Wooster for Madelines hand. Luckily I was posing as Mr.Finknottle!

JEEVES: Unfortunately sir, in the course of your conversation with Mr.Budge you inadvertently let slip that your name was Bertram Wooster.

BERTIE: Good Lord, did I? Then Budge must have thought there were two Woosters wandering around the place!

JEEVES: Not yet, sir. That particular chicken had yet to come home to roost. In the meantime, you had business with Miss Byng.

BERTIE: Yes, Stiffy, quite. Where was she?

JEEVES: In the maze, sir.

BERTIE: Yes, that would figure.

JEEVES: The reason for her advertisement in the Times had transpired, was in order to attract your attention.

BERTIE: Well, in that she succeeded! But to what end, pray.

JEEVES: Miss Byng declared herself to be in love with the Reverend Mr. Pinker.

BERTIE: Stinker! The one-man tornado! How splendid! Serve them both right.

JEEVES: However, Sir Watkyn did not share Miss Byngs enthusiasm for Mr. Pinker. He considered him unsuitable, clumsily destructive and more important, penniless.

BERTIE: He had a point.

JEEVES: Sir Watkyn had therefore declared Mr. Pinker an unsuitable match for his ward.

BERTIE: I see. Becoming the heavy guardian, was he?

JEEVES: Miss Byng was therefore determined to recruit your involvement in a scheme she had been hatching.

BERTIE: Scheme? What sort of scheme?

JEEVES: She was reluctant to impart the details to you until the Reverend Mr. Pinker arrived on the evening train, sir.

BERTIE: And I agreed to help her?

JEEVES: Miss Byng was very persuasive, sir.

BERTIE: As she can be.

JEEVES: And moreover, she threatened to draw Sir Watkyns attention to the Times advertisement if you did not cooperate.

BERTIE: Well that wouldnt have bothered me. I was currently known as Augustus Finknottle to most people anyway.

JEEVES: But I will remind you that the real Mr.Finknottle was currently Mr.Wooster and if Sir Watkyn discovered that Mr. Wooster was pursuing his daughter Madeline whilst simultaneously becoming engaged to Miss Byng

BERTIE: Oh Lord this plot is thicker than mulligatawny, Jeeves. How on earth did I get drawn into this?

JEEVES: As I say, sir, Miss Byng can be very persuasive.

LOVE'S MAZE

STIFFY:
Deep in Love’s Maze
There my heart strays
Caught in a flurry of worry and doubt
Down love’s pathways
There my heart plays
Whispering secrets it’s longing to shout

All I need’s a sympathetic friend
To help me find a way to leave
Love’s Maze
Is a magical labyrinth
Close paths hidden far from gaze
Love’s Maze
Is for lovers in jeopardy
Lost there in a rainbow haze
Won’t you save me
Please assist me
Help me decipher its intricate ways
Love has touched me
Love has kissed me
Holding me prisoner deep in this maze

BERTIE:
Well you can’t blame me, Cupid never pays
You’ll saunter round for days inside, Love’s-

STIFFY:
Love’s Maze
Is a mystical wonderland
Conceals what the heart conveys
Love’s Maze
Is a puzzle in paradise
Misleads all the eye surveys

BERTIE:
I did warn you, I have sworn to
Steer a wide berth for I know to my cost
Its predicted, self inflicted
People in mazes do tend to get lost!

STIFFY:
All I need’s a very special friend
To rescue me from here inside

STIFFY AND MAIDS:
Love’s Maze
Is a crazy kaleidescope
All roads leading diff’rent ways
Love’s Maze
Like a swaying caliope
One dance where the piper pays

Love’s Maze
Is a hatter’s mad party time
One feast lasting nights and days
Love’s Maze
Is a firework spectacular
Bright skies as the bonfires blaze

All praise as we dance in its corridors
All part of its grand displays
Behold every lover who’s ever caught
All lost in their own love’s maze

STIFFY:
All I need’s a little help from you

BERTIE:
You’ll never drag me there inside!

STIFFY, MAIDS, GARDENERS:
Love’s Maze
Is a crazy kaleidescope
All roads leading diff’rent ways
Love’s Maze
Like a swaying caliope
One dance where the piper pays

Love’s Maze
Is a hatter’s mad party time
One feast lasting nights and days
Love’s Maze
Is a firework spectacular
Bright skies as the bonfires blaze

Love’s Maze
Is a magical labyrinth
Close paths hidden far from gaze
Love’s Maze
Is for lovers in jeopardy
Lost there in a rainbow haze

All praise as we dance in its corridors
All part of its grand displays
Behold every lover who’s eve caught
All lost in their own Love’s Maze!

WOOSTER THINKS ON HIS FEET

BERTIE: So the long and the short of it was that I agreed to help Stiffy and Stinker.

JEEVES: With a reluctance, sir. Miss Byng went off leaving you alone in the maze.

BERTIE: Which I found my way out of in a manner of minutes, no doubt.

JEEVES: In a matter of hours, sir.

BERTIE: Hours? What time did I get out for heaven’s sake?

JEEVES: Half past nine, sir.

BERTIE: At night?

JEEVES: Yes, sir.

BERTIE: Did I miss dinner?

JEEVES: And tea, sir. Before you were rescued.

BERTIE: Rescued!? Who by?

JEEVES: By Sir Watkyn Bassett.

BERTIE: And then what?

JEEVES: Sir Watkyn accepted your story that you were there visiting Miss Byng and invited you for after dinner coffee on the lawn, sir. He was doubtless adhering to the principle that in view of the circumstances of your last encounter, you were better off in his sight then out of it.

BERTIE: I see.

JEEVES: You were then reintroduced to Mr.Budge.

BERTIE: Who, hang on… who thought I was Mr.Wooster, right?

JEEVES: He did.

BERTIE: Whereas Sir Watkyn knew me as Mr.Finknottle.

JEEVES: Precisely.

BERTIE: How did I cope?

JEEVES: Extremely adroitly, sir.

BERTIE: Of course!

JEEVES: Until the arrival of the real Mr.Finknottle masquerading as Mr.Wooster whom you had to persuade so far as Mr.Budge was concerned to revert to being Mr.Finknottle- Mr.Budge knowing you already as Mr.Wooster.

BERTIE: And Mr.Budge, how was he?

JEEVES: Somewhat confused, sir. Enterprisingly, you explained away the hiatus in typical fashion.

THE HALLO SONG

BERTIE:
It’s an English tradition!
We like to say hello!
We hope by shaking hands that we’ll recall your name
We work on that basis, remembering faces
But that’s about all!
I know you’re somebody… something…
It’s on the tip if my tongue!
You’re either Edith Sitwell or the Bough Street Beak
I’ll know who you are the moment you speak
But meanwhile just put it right there!
How do you do?

BUDGE: How do you do?

BINGO: How do you do?

BERTIE: Hello again!

BUDGE: How goes it all?

BINGO: Good day to you.

BERTIE: You keeping fit?

BUDGE: So great to meet you!

BINGO: It’s been an age!

BERTIE: A tiny world.

BUDGE: How do you-

BERTIE: How do you-

BINGO: How do you-

BUDGE: How do you-

ALL- How do you do?

BUDGE: How’s life with you?

BINGO: Good evening all!

BERTIE: You’re looking well!
BUDGE: Well Hi there stranger!

BINGO: Surprise Surprise!

BERTIE: What could be nicer meeting like this?
I confess I’ve forgotten
Who on earth you can be…
It could be your Najinksy-
Or the man next door

BUDGE: How do you-

BINGO: How do you-

BERTIE: How do you-

BUDGE: How do you-

ALL: How do you do?

BINGO: You’re either Pablo Picasso!

BUDGE: Or maybe Harpo Marx!

BERTIE: You might be Sarah Bernhardt- no you’re Victenstein!

BINGO: Whoever I am, though, the pleasures all mine!

BUDGE: Let’s take it and shake it right there!

BINGO: Well fancy this!

BERTIE: It’s surely not!

BUDGE: I can’t believe!

BERTIE: Good Lord alive!

BINGO: How long’s it been?

BUDGE: You’ve hardly changed!

BERTIE: You’ve lost some weight!

BINGO: I can’t believe it…

BUDGE: It’s been a while!

BERTIE: You’re just the same.

BUDGE: How do you-

BINGO: How do you-

BERTIE: How do you-

BUDGE: How do you-

ALL: How do you do?

BINGO: What brings you here?

BERTIE: How’s life back home?

BUDGE: How’s business been?

BINGO: And how’s your father?

BERTIE: My sainted aunt!
What could be better meeting like this?
Though I haven’t an inkling…
Not a clue who you are!
You could be Amy Johnson-

BUDGE: No, I’m Al Capone.

BUDGE: How do you-

BINGO: How do you-

BERTIE: How do you-

BUDGE: How do you-

ALL: How do you do?

BUDGE: Aren’t you Marelene Deitrich?

BINGO: I think I’m Bernard Shaw…

BERTIE: It really doesn’t matter who on earth you are…
The truth of it all is our friendships been far too long now to bother with names

It’s just another episode
Of the Wooster Moral Code

ALL: Let’s extend the hand of greeting!
Hello there, whoever you are!

How do you do!?

AN IDENTITY CRISIS (OR TWO)

BERTIE: Brilliant, Jeeves! Brilliant! Sometimes, you know, I amaze myself... Satisfactory outcome, then?

JEEVES: Alas, sir. It was not long before the subterfuge was exposed. It became apparent that there were two Mr.Woosters. One known to Sir Watkyn and one known to Mr.Budge. You were therefore forced, once again, to become Mr.Finknottle. Until that is the arrival of Miss Bassett who, not realizing that you had been posing as Mr.Finknottle, contrived to reveal your cover. Whereupon, in a burst of improvisational ingenuity, you assumed yet another identity.

BERTIE: Who did I become this time for heaven's sake?

JEEVES: Mr.Little, sir.

BERTIE: Bingo? I see. Pretty swift thinking.

JEEVES: Indeed, sir. There was just one small fly in an otherwise unsullied ointment, sir.

BERTIE: Don't tell me-

JEEVES: The arrival, of course, of the real Mr.Little.

BERTIE: Grief!

JEEVES: Whom you hastily persuaded to assume the identity of Mr.Finknottle.

BERTIE: I see... So, if I've got this right, Jeeves, I was now-

JEEVES: Mr.Little, sir.

BERTIE: Bingo. Whereas Bingo-?

JEEVES: Was Mr.Finknottle.

BERTIE: And Gussie?

JEEVES: Mr.Finknottle was now Mr.Wooster, sir.

BERTIE: Well, what could be simpler? Practically anything you care to think of, really...

JEEVES: Fortunately, sir, a deus ex machina was about to arrive.

BERTIE: Thank heavens for that! Who?

JEEVES: Me, sir.

BERTIE: Re-entering the narrative, you mean? Splendid!

JEEVES: Modestly, I believe there was some cause for celebration, sir.

BY JEEVES

BERTIE:
It is patently clear
Any awkwardness here
Can be cleared up in less than a trice.
Our identities switched
Who is who
Which is which-
We're in need of some solid advice...
There's a painfully simple solution,
It's as plain as the nose on your face...

BINGO: By gad!
GUSSIE: By gosh!
BINGO: By heck!
GUSSIE: By gum!
BINGO: By rabbit's foot!
GUSSIE: By kingdom come!
BERTIE: By all my sainted aunt believes!
BINGO: By George-
GUSSIE: By Jove-
ALL: By Jeeves!
When we're faced with the grind
Of exerting the mind,
We are filled with a deep sense of dread.

BERTIE: "How on earth!" I hear cries
"Does one give excersize to a thing that's in bed in your head?"

BINGO: What we need is a free range consultant.

GUSSIE: Where on earth do you find one of those?

BERTIE: By hook! By crook!
BINGO: By way! By pass!
GUSSIE: By sea! By air!
BERTIE: By road!
BINGO: By grass!
GUSSIE: By seven dwarves!
BERTIE: By forty thieves!
ALL: By George! By Jove! By Jeeves!

BERTIE: By shuttlecock!
GUSSIE: By croquet hoop!
BINGO: By Panama!
BERTIE: By Windsor soup!
GUSSIE: By all those cards tucked up his sleeves!
ALL: By George! By Jove! By Jeeves!
Our collective I.Q.
Of around 42
Cannot cope, to be perfectly frank.
All true leaders of men
Delegate, now and then,
Try to keep their minds totally blank.
To appreciate loftier matters

BINGO: Things that mostly go over my head.

BERTIE: By derby day!
GUSSIE: By nursery tea!
BINGO: By moose!
BERTIE: By spoons!
GUSSIE: By half past three!
BINGO: By every tender breast that heaves!
ALL: By George! By Jove! By Jeeves!

BERTIE: By marmalade!
GUSSIE: By bowler hat!
BINGO: By toothpaste tube!
BERTIE: By Burmese cat!
GUSSIE: By baby newts!
BINGO: By autumn leaves!
ALL: By George! By Jove! By Jeeves!
Behold how Jeeves with sleight of hand
Concieves a scheme so carefully planned,
Even we can understand
If he takes it terribly slowly.

BERTIE: By Basingstoke!
BINGO: By cardboard box!
GUSSIE: By Budge's knees!
BERTIE: By Bassett's socks!
BINGO: By each that conjuror deceives!
ALL: By George! By Jove! By Jeeves!

BERTIE: By jumping jack!
GUSSIE: By easy chair!
BINGO: By Bain Marie!
BERTIE: By Camembert!
GUSSIE: By every fruit bat in the eaves!
ALL: By George! By Jove! By Jeeves!

BINGO: By walking boot!
GUSSIE: By thermal drawers!
BERTIE: By canapes!
BINGO: By Santa Claus!
GUSSIE: By all his mighty brain achieves!
BERTIE: By every spell the master weaves!
ALL: By heck! By George! By Jove! By Jeeves!
By Jeeves! By Jeeves! By Jeeves!
By Jeeves!

WOOSTER NOBLY INTERCEDES

BERTIE: So that's it then, back on course. There you were. Had you been eating your fish? Did you have any good advice?

JEEVES: Unfortunately not as far as Mr. Little was concerned. It did appear that his feelings towards Miss Glossop were not reciprocated. Miss Glossop's amorous attentions were focused in another direction.

BERTIE: Mine?

JEEVES: I fear so. Mr.Little was then seen running off into the night declaring that he intended to drown himself.

BERTIE: Stygian gloom forlorn, Jeeves.

JEEVES: Matters between Miss Bassett and Mr.Finknottle were similarly no nearer a solution. Principally due to Mr.Finknottle's innate shyness coupled with Miss Bassett's attempt to inspire jealousy by encouraging Mr.Budge's attentions.

BERTIE: The bounder.

JEEVES: I therefore advised you to intercede with Miss Bassett to plead Mr.Finknottle's case.

BERTIE: Risky stuff, surely.

JEEVES: Not really, sir. It was after all a message that Miss Bassett wished to hear.

WHEN LOVE ARRIVES

BERTIE:
But the point of all this, let's face it, is that it's not what Gussie says, surely. It's what he feels! I mean love's a funny thing. It doesn't always look quite the same. It varies from person to person, if you follow. I mean with Budge its a brisk covering in jam, but with Gussie- it's more subtle. More oblique. Like... steamed fish... it creeps up on you.

When love arrives, its hard to tell,
He doesn't ring the frnt door bell,
He doesn't wait politely in the hall
Or leave his card...

He doesn't wait to wipe his feet.
In fact he's not at all discreet,
He doesn't phone to warn you
He will call and means to stay...
He may not come when you're expecting him to visit-
But if he does, make sure he finds you home.
Surrender now, for what's the use?
And wave that friendly flag of truce.
Just rush right out to greet him
Don't hesitate at all, dear,
You'll bless the day that love rings your bell.

MADELINE: Ding! Ding!

BERTIE: Hallo?

MADELINE: Who's there?

BERTIE: It's love.

MADELINE: Come in.

BERTIE: Kiss kiss.

MADELINE: Hee-hee!

BERTIE: So close your eyes and lend an ear
For I suspect he's somewhere near
And that its you that he has come to find-

MADELINE: Oh Bertie, dear-

BERTIE: So let him hold you tight and snug-

MADELINE: Like kittens cuddled in a rug?

BERTIE: Well, that's the sort of thing I had in mind-

MADELINE: Oh look, my dear!
Each dandelion clock is very softly chiming
To tell the flowers it's time to go to bed...

BERTIE: What's that she said?

MADELINE: I know this night can't be in vain!
The stars shine in God's daisy chain
And even Mr.Moon's begun to snore...

BERTIE: God Grief, no more...
Look softly now, just close your eyes...

MADELINE: And will I get a big surprise?

BERTIE: What else you think I'm doing all this for you-
lovely thing you...
Just wait right there till love himself arrives...
Wait there... stay there... right there... Don't move... Stay put... Wait there... Right there.

I AM LET DOWN (BADLY)

BERTIE: Well, that sorted that out, surely.

JEEVES: Unfortunately, Miss Bassett rather grasped the wrong end of the stick.

BERTIE: Not unknown.

JEEVES: She understood the amorous advances to be your own. This had the effect of igniting Miss Bassett's affections towards you whilst simultanously infuriating Mr.Finknottle...

BERTIE: All-in-all, Jeeves, not much of a scheme of yours, was it?

JEEVES: So I believe you informed me at the time, sir.

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO SAY, JEEVES?!

BERTIE:
What have you got to say, Jeeves?
What have you got to say?

JEEVES: Sir...

BERTIE:
Your job's to protect me and to cushion me from shocks
Not to let the poor young master end up crouching in a box
Leave him posing as a coatstand there, the minute someone knocks
No, somebody's got to pay, Jeeves, somebody's got to pay!

JEEVES: If you would allow me, sir...

BERTIE: Threatened with a lynch mob and I lose my oldest friends,
I'm embroiled with random females bent on dire romantic ends.
Yours is frankly not the judgement, Jeeves, on which a chap depends-
It's bordering on risque, Jeeves... Utterly declasse!

JEEVES: If I might...

BERTIE: Your job's to inspire me with encouragement and praise
Not abandon me with Stiffy in some frightful leafy maze
Not to make me change my name three times in just as many days

Here am I in an extreme positon
General Custer out of ammunition
Didn't get here by my own volition,
As Tennyson once thundered
Someone here has badly blundered!

JEEVES: Sir-

BERTIE: It's chaos and disarray, Jeeves,
Misery and dismay!

JEEVES: Perhaps I could inter-

BERTIE: Calling this a shambles is to understate the case,
Look at all these banjo lovers, not a dry eye in the place.
I shall never have the nerve again to look them in the face!
So what have you got to say, Jeeves?
What have you got to say?

JEEVES:
I fear I must confess it, sir,
Despite my best endeavors to
Ensure a fluid narrative
Things haven't gone to plan.

Events were overtaken, sir,
By unseen technicalities
I really can assure you, though,
I've done the best I can.

There comes the odd occassion, sir,
When facing up to destiny
We'd do as well remembering
A man is but a man.

You have my firm assurances
That come the grand denoument, sir,
Events will all resolve themselves,
In spite of come what may.

I only can apologize
For any inconvenience
Injurious to your dignity
That happens on the way.

I simply wish to emphasize,
I have your interests uppermost,
And that, sir, in conclusion, sir,
Is all I have to say!

I ANSWER THE CALL OF THE CODE

BERTIE: Matters had become somewhat frosty between us, then?

JEEVES: A certain tension, sir. I did persuade you though to await the arrival of Miss Byng and The Reverend Mr.Pinker in order to listen to their plan.

BERTIE: The code, eh? The Code Of The Woosters. Unbreakable, you see, Jeeves. Even in extreme cases of extremis.

JEEVES: There was the additional factor that Sir Watkyn was still in possession of The Times, sir. And would be shortly retiring to bed in order to read it.

BERTIE: Ah. No chance of him dropping asleep?

JEEVES: After earlier events he was wide awake.

BERTIE: Any hope of him missing out on the births, deaths and marriages?

JEEVES: Sir Watkyn had reached an age when they provided a regular source of satisfaction, sir. Especially the deaths.

BERTIE: A certain pleasure in outstripping the field?

JEEVES: Precisely.

BERTIE: So I met up with Stinker and Stiffy?

JEEVES: You did, sir.

BERTIE: Full of their frightful plan?

JEEVES: Yes, sir.

BERTIE: Involving me?

JEEVES: Yes, sir. And may I add, sir, both of them very much in love.

HALF A MOMENT

HAROLD: Time, they say is relative.
Infinite as space.
This must be eternity,
Neither time nor place...
Half a moment we are together
I shall want no one else and nothing new.
Half a moment I shall treasure
Keep it locked away for some future rainy day.

Should you leave me
With just this moment
In my mind, I will capture it anew.
Like some picture
Taken in my childhood,
Half a moment spent with you.

STIFFY:
Time looks kindly on fleeting lovers,
They can turn the briefest hour into a day.
Turn a moment to a lifetime
Making it to last, blending future with the past...

Ev'ry moment we spend together
I don't care what they say or try to do.
Can't erase it, all that's gone between us.
Every loving secret shared with you.

BOTH: Half a moment we are together
I shall want no one else and nothing new.
Half a moment I shall treasure...
Keep it locked away for some future rainy day.

We're together
What else can matter?
Even though half a moment is too few.
I shall save it till I have another
Making one whole moment
Filled with you!

I RISK MY NECK TO SAVE THE BACON

BERTIE: Hard for a chap to say no, eh?

JEEVES: Difficult, sir.

BERTIE: So what did I say?

JEEVES: Initially, no, sir. Only Miss Byng turned a trifle- unattractive- shall we say?

BERTIE: Yes. I can see she might have done. So I proceeded?

JEEVES: You did, sir.

BERTIE: With their plan?

JEEVES: Yes, sir.

BERTIE: Which was?

JEEVES: To pretend to burgle Toteligh Towers.

BERTIE: (giggles) Home of Sir Watykn Bassett, magistrate?

JEEVES: Climbing through an upstairs window- by means of a ladder conveniently concealed behind a hedge- through an open window of an empty room, finding under the bed a sack of stolen property which Miss byng has already taken, then proceeding downstairs to let yourself out of the front door which would set off the alarm...

BERTIE: Oh goodo...

JEEVES: And once outside, feigning a struggle with Mr.Pinker would would be waiting for you. As soon as Sir Watkyn arrived you would drop the sack and run off. Overcome with gratitude to Mr.Pinker, Sir Watkyn would be prepared to overlook his previous objections.

BERTIE: A scheme fraught with imponderables, Jeeves.

JEEVES: Unpredictable certainly, sir.

BERTIE: And one I refused to have any part of.

JEEVES: On the contrary. You agreed.

BERTIE: I agre-? Oh, I see. The old Code again, was it?

JEEVES: Undoubtedly, sir.

BERTIE: Lord, it can be a heavy burden, Jeeves. I found the ladder, then?

JEEVES: You did.

BERTIE: And I climed through the window?

JEEVES: Yes, sir.

BERTIE: With my customary catlike stealth?

JEEVES: Perhaps, rather more piglike, sir.

BERTIE: Piglike?

JEEVES: In order to prevent any risk of recognition, I prevailed upon you to wear a mask. The only one available was that of a pig. I apologized for the choice of animal but the selection from the property store was limited. Fortunately a children's production for The Three Little Pigs was recently in the theatre's repetoire-

BERTIE: I cannot believe I am hearing this, Jeeves. I scaled the ladder dressed as a pig?

JEEVES: You did.

BERTIE: Climbing through the window?

JEEVES: With some agility, sir.

BERTIE: Into the empty room...

JEEVES: Alas, no, sir. By some oversight...

BERTIE: Oversight? Whose oversight?

JEEVES: Who can tell, sir? By some oversight the room concerned was Miss Glossop's.

IT'S A PIG

HONORIA: Who the! What the- How the- Where the- Who!

BERTIE: Hello!

HONORIA: Who are you! Someone, quick! There's a man broken in!
In a pig mask, broken in my bedroom!
Stand well clear, He's all mine!
I can deal with the swine,
With this chauvenist pig in my bedroom!
When I'm through, I will bet,
You will live to regret-
That you picked on me, you and I ever met!
I'm teaching you a lesson that you never will forget...
You're a pig! What a pig! What a pig!

(Bertie stumbles into Madeline's room)

MADELINE: Oh dear help! It's a pig! Daddy, help its a pig!
There's a beastly piggy in my bedroom!

HONORIA: Cornered! He's cornered!

MADELINE: Is it real or a dream?
Get away, or I'll scream!
Who on earth let this pig in my bedroom?

HONORIA: Lend a hand! Bar the door!
And we've trapped him for sure-

MADELINE: I shall die if the thing makes a mess on my floor...

HONORIA: Speaking as a woman who has hunted wild boar,
What's a pig, more or less, what's a pig!

Now we've got him!

BERTIE: Look, it's Bertie!

HONORIA: Nice and easy!

MADELINE: It's so dirty!

BERTIE: Listen, Maddy!

MADELINE: Don't come near me!

HONORIA: Don't dare touch her, do you hear me?

BERTIE: Oh, this damned thing's stuck completely!
Exit Wooster, swift and sweetly!

HONORIA/MADELINE: Follow that pig!

(Bertie stumbles into Watkyn Bassett's room)

SIR WATKYN: Bless my soul! Who are you! What on earth's going on?
There's a circus artist in my bedroom!

MADELINE: Stop him!

HONORIA: We've got him!

SIR WATKYN: Can't believe both my eyes-
There's a chap in disguise!
There's a cat burgling pig in my bedroom!
Careful, girls, all stand back!
He may try to attack!
It's a well known fact that they hunt as a pack!
Wait while I distract him, try to put him off the track!
Watch the pig!

HONORIA: Watch the pig!

MADELINE: Watch the pig!

BERTIE: Listen, people-

SIR WATKYN: Don't you try it!

MADELINE: Tried to kiss me!

BERTIE: I deny it!

SIR WATKYN: Oh, you swine you-

HONORIA: Caught him looting!

SIR WATKYN: Raise your hands or I'll start shooting!

BERTIE: With a badly bruised libido, exit Wooster tres rapido!

HONORIA/MADELINE/WATKYN: Follow that pig!

(Gussie sneaks behind them)

Hunt the pig! Hunt the pig! Hunt the two-legged pig!
There's a pig loose somewhere in the house here.

GUSSIE/HONORIA/MADELINE: Find him!

WATKYN/GUSSIE: And catch him!

MADELINE/HONORIA: Everybody look out for the glimpse of a snout,

WATKYN/GUSSIE: For the click of his trotters on the stairway!

MADELINE: There he is!

HONORIA: False alarm!

WATKYN: We must try to keep calm!

MADELINE: I'm afraid! I'm afraid!

GUSSIE: Then take hold of my arm.

WATKYN: I'll let him have both barrels! It'll work just like a charm on the pig!

BERTIE: (revealed) Steady on!

ALL: There's the pig!

(Bertie escapes, the others pursue)

There's the pig! There's the pig! There's the housebreaker pig!
There's the pig with criminal intentions!
Once he's caught there is talk, we'll reduce him to pork
In a way that's too terrible to mention.
Can't escape, now he's caught-
He can grunt he can snort,
It's a great new game, chasing porkers for sport
Now we've got him cornered
There's a lesson to be taught!
To the pig! To the pig! To the pig pig pig pig pig pig pig
pig
PIG!

A SATISFACTORY OUTCOME

BERTIE: I hardly like to ask this, Jeeves. What then?

JEEVES: Somewhat surprisingly, sir, things resolved themselves to the great satisfaction of everyone concerned. Except perhaps Mr. Budge.

BERTIE: Why, what happened to Cyrus?

JEEVES: When your pursuers caught up with you, for some reason they assumed Mr. Budge to be the would-be burglar and not yourself.

BERTIE: How on earth did they jump to that conclusion?

JEEVES: Who can say, sir? Perhaps in the melee, under cover of darkness...

BERTIE: Possibly. It seems to me, Jeeves, there's more to this story than meets the ear. Anyway. Bingo and Honoria?

JEEVES: Happily united, sir.

BERTIE: Gussie and Madeline?

JEEVES: Likewise.

BERTIE: Harold and Stiffy?

JEEVES: Given Sir Watkyn's full blessing. Though Miss Byng did vow publically never to involve you in any scheme of hers ever again.

BERTIE: Good heavens! What a bonus! And sir Watkyn himself?

JEEVES: Utterly confused. However at this point in the evening the narrative proceedings concluded with the arrival of your replacement banjo.

BERTIE: Oh, splendid! And have we got a recording of that too?

JEEVES: We have, sir. Your opening number Banjo Boy complete with full supporting chorus.

BERTIE: Full supporting chorus?

JEEVES: I thought that was the very least we could do, sir. Under the circumstances.

BERTIE: Splendid! Send them away with their feet tapping. Let's hear it, Jeeves.

JEEVES: Sir.

BERTIE: Jeeves?

JEEVES: You may recall, sir, that on this recording you used the latest Acoustically Balanced and Delayed Resonation strings on your banjo. A set of ABDR strings, designed to project the sound over a wider area. Their effect was to give the impression of silence only in the immediate vicinity of the instrument itself.

BERTIE: Really?

JEEVES: And of course far too sensitively tuned for mere microphones to record.

BERTIE: I see. What you're saying is, we won't be able to hear me playing?

JEEVES: I regret not, sir.

BERTIE: Not a note?

JEEVES: Not on the actual recording itself, sir. But then the banjo is, of course, essentially a live instrument.

BERTIE: Yes... yes... I'll take your word for it.

JEEVES: I think, nonetheless, on the recording the listener will easily be able to grasp the musical intention.

BANJO BOY

BERTIE: Who's the man you've all been sitting there anticipating?
Who's the man with his instrument ready, willing and waiting?
Who's the man for whom your breath has been eagerly baiting?
If I hadn't already confessed it,
You'd no doubt already have guessed it-

COMPANY: Banjo Boy, Banjo Boy, Play a number for me
Won't you play that melody?
When you start your playin'- Mama starts a swayin'
She's right there with em- Stompin' that rhythm.
Banjo Boy, Banjo Boy, Play that razzamatazz
You're the sunny Southland's King
You set dixie hummin' it- When you started strummin' it.
See those finger's goin'-

(Silent banjo break by Bertie)

When you start to syncopate,
Songbirds seem to orchestrate,
The swanee stops its flowin'
Just hear him play.
Who can plunk your heartstrings full of joy?
That's Banjo Boy...

(Silent banjo break by Bertie)

Hear Him Go...
Don't you know...
Love him so...
Let him swing...
And Do his thing...
He's the King...
Ring-A-Ding!

Ugh...

ALL: Banjo Boy, Banjo Boy, you're the musical sun
In those southern sunny skies.
Feet will start their fidgets- See those magic digits,
Hands are a clappin'- Fingers a snappin'
Banjo Boy, banjo Boy, play that favorite tune
That the old folks love to sing.

Can't you hear the people cry-
Wanna see those fingers fly-
Listen to him playin'-

(Silent banjo break by Bertie)

Can't you hear those children roar-
Dixie's shouting out for more-
Hear the steamboats blowin'-
Eight to the bar-
Who's that cotton-pickin' hunk of joy?
That golden kid that fashion can't destroy?
Whose name they shout from Maine to Illinois?
That's Banjo Boy...
Banjo Boy!

IN CONCLUSION

BERTIE: Do you think they enjoyed that, Jeeves?

JEEVES: Impossible to tell, sir.

Wait a tick, Jeeves... That's all there is?

-Did you expect more, sir?

No, frankly I am mentally exhausted...

-Highly olympic of you, sir.

But is there anything else I should know, Jeeves?

-Well... there is something Miss Byng would have said if given more time and another opportunity to break into song, sir.

Oh, another number then?

-A new song.

Splendid! What key is it in?

-It would be best if you just watched, sir. The following is an added song. Enjoy.

Sit here then?

-Quietly if you can.

DEADLIER THAN THE MALE

STIFFY:
By some quirk of our genetics
Girls mature more quickly
Which spelled out in plain phonetics
Means that she must wait
Till the boy she fancies
Starts to see her as a woman

When a girl finds a lover
If you should cross her then you'll soon discover
She can be far deadlier than a male

Don't misread her external
Don't ever tangle with the great maternal
She can be far deadlier than a male

Oh she's a tender thing
A slight and slender thing
A bowl of peaches and cream
But lurking deep inside
She'll threaten homicide
Defending her dream

Six foot men often wonder
How when they start, they finish six feet under
Thanks to one far deadlier than a male

Though her smile may excite you
Her tongue can tear you and her teeth can bite you
They can be far deadlier than a male

Avoid provoking her
Far safer stroking her
That's what she really prefers
For just remember that
Like any alley cat
She'll kill for what's hers

Bring her gifts to surprise her
But God help you if you patronize her
She'll become far deadlier than the male

Any man who betrays her
He's safer playing with an open razor
Than with one far deadlier than the male...

She can be far deadlier than the male...