"Out Fit" By Kevin Schwab
- Dressed identically, should be indistinguishable
(Joan holds a drink and sways to light music and sounds of people laughing. She sets her glass down at an upstage bar and waves at some members of the audience. The load sound of a door opening is heard. Jane enters and the two women see each other. They are frozen. An explosion is heard)
JOAN- Oh my god...
JANE- Oh no!
JOAN- Oh no!
JANE- Oh my god! Get out!
JANE- Where did you get that dress!?
JOAN- Where did you get yours?
JANE- In the mall.
JOAN- So did I.
JANE- Well get out!
JOAN- Why should I?
JANE- Aren't you terribly embarrased?
JOAN- (lying) No!
JOAN- I think its funny!
JANE- Well it isn't. One of us has to change.
JOAN- Into what?
JANE- A hitchhiker- now get out!
JOAN- Jane, calm down.
JANE- I can't believe this.
JOAN- Whats the big deal?
JANE- We look like the Andrews sisters!
JOAN- You're right. But they were popular.
JANE- Well not anymore.
JOAN- We can stand on the opposite sides of the room. No one will notice.
JANE- Who invited you, anyway?
JANE- Jack invited me!
JOAN- Its his party- he invited everyone!
JANE- (Takes out note) Did he pass you a note?
JOAN- (Takes out identical note) Yes! Its called an invitation.
JANE- Listen to me, Joan. Do not make a move on Jack. If you so much as bat a fake eyelash in his direction, I'll throw you through the ice sculptures.
JOAN- They have ice sculptures?
JANE- Do you understand?
JOAN- You can't tell me what to do. You couldn't in high school and you can't now... Jack didn't expressly ask you to this party as his date and he didn't ask me. There's no holds barred.
JANE- Well we might as well make the best of it.
JANE- We'll be best friends. At least we can pretend like we planned to dress the same.
JOAN- That means I'll have to spend the whole evening with you.
JANE- No it doesn't. We just have to introduce ourselves around to everyone so we can explain why we're wearing the same dress.
JOAN- That means I'll have to spend some of the evening with you!
JANE- Whats so terrible about that?
JANE- You don't have one single forgiving bone in your entire body.
JOAN- Not when it comes to you. They've all been broken and splintered and shattered.
JANE- Please go home and change?
JOAN- I'd rather staple my mouth shut.
JANE- Finally, a good suggestion.
JOAN- If you're so concerned, why don't you go change?
JANE- I thought you didn't care.
JOAN- Its just another suggestion.
JANE- I'm not changing.
JOAN- Me neither.
JANE- Are we ever going to talk about it?
JOAN- Not at a party.
JANE- Then where?
JOAN- Nowhere! Its the past... We're both still alive. Nothing's changed. It doesn't matter anymore. Why do we need to bring it up? I don't think I really have to talk to you ever again.
JANE- Things have changed. They always do...
JOAN- Well, not for us.
JANE- You really ruined this party.
JOAN- I'm just getting started.
JANE- Then I'm not going to let you stand in my way.
JOAN- Am I in your way?
JANE- You are.
JOAN- How terrible for you.
JANE- Sit and sulk if you want, I'm going to find Jack. To be honest, everyone in the whole place could be wearing the same thing and he'd still want me.
JOAN- Uh huh.
JANE- Its not so hard to understand. I can get anyone with a glance... You know that first hand. Don't you? You've seen the glance. You've watched what it can do. And it kills you that you won't ever have it.
JOAN- Is that so? (picks up drink)
JANE- You know better than that! You try and try and try and get as far as 'Hello'. I look and I get proposals! There is no one I can't have.
JOAN- No one?
JANE- I've had enough of you, Joan. You can't stop my good time anymore.
(Joan throws a drink onto Jane)
JANE- What the hell are you doing!?
JOAN- Its done.
JANE- I can't believe you're so petty!
JOAN- Petty? I've sat here listening to you praise yourself and blame me. I've sat here biting my tounge as you belittled my presence at this party and insulted everything from my intelligence to my bones. I always knew this day would come. I've waited for you to waltz into a party that I was at and target yourself at the same man I wanted. I've wanted for it to happen again. All over again. We were teenagers when you swept Jared out from under me... and you didn't care then- nor do you care now. But you don't know how much that hurt me! Can you think of what it was like for me?
JANE- It was years ago!
JOAN- Can you imagine what it was like for me? Nothing like that would ever cross your mind. If its not pertaining to you or your little circle it doesn't even exist in your mind! Nothing is a crime! Nothing's sacred! Stealing boyfriends, disregarding guilt- I'm sure murder would be a breeze if you had the right shoes on and it wasn't that time of the month!
JANE- Lower your voice!
JOAN- You don't think people are staring already?
(They both look out at the audience simultaneously and smile awkwardly)
JANE- No one's noticed us.
JOAN- How could they not? We look like a vaudeville act!
JANE- Give me your dress.
JOAN- Excuse me?
JANE- You've soaked mine with cheap wine.
JOAN- You'll have to go home and change.
JANE- Forget that idea.
JOAN- I thought you hated being embarrased.
JANE- I'm not leaving this party without Jack under my spell.
JOAN- Throw some wine on his shirt... you'll be a match made in heaven.
JANE- I'd rather be in a clean dress.
JOAN- Then get out of here. I'll keep Jack warm for you.
JANE- He doesn't play for your team, Joan.
JOAN- We'll see about that.
JACK'S VOICE- Is everyone having a good time?
JOAN AND JANE- (happily) Oh yes- of course!
JANE- He's gonna be coming over here, Joan! He's working the room! He's mingling! Give me your dress!
JOAN- Not even over my dead body! I'll be buried in this!
JANE- You have ten seconds before I lose control!
JOAN- What are you going to do?
JANE- I'm going to count to ten!
JOAN- And then what?
JOAN- And then what!?
JANE- And then this! (She removes Joan's wig)
JOAN- Stop! Give me that right now!
JANE- Over MY dead body! Give me your dress!
JOAN- Quiet down- give me my hair!
(They run around until Joan knocks Jane down and puts the wig back on)
JOAN- I can't believe you did that!
JANE- It doesn't matter... keep your hair... I can still tell everyone your little secret!
JOAN- Its not little! And don't you dare give me that bullshit. You won't tell anyone- you couldn't do that to me!
JANE- You underestimate my power of self.
JOAN- Can't you leave some guys for the rest of us?
JANE- The rest of who? The myriad crossdressers annonymous club?
JOAN- I have just as much right to be here as you do. Jack gave me an invitation just like you. That means I have a shot- just as good as yours!
JANE- And when your skirt comes off?
JOAN- We'll all be happy- trust me.
JANE- Its disgusting.
JOAN- You'd be surprised.
JANE- Your hair's a mess.
JOAN- Oh geez...
JACK'S VOICE- Has anyone seen Joan or Jane?
JANE- Oh my dress!
JOAN- Oh my hair!
BOTH- Oh my god!
(They both run off stage left. Then they both run off stage right. Jane runs on alone and then continues off left. Joan runs in and runs back off right. The audience should not know which is which. A shawl over their heads covers the wine stain and the ragged wig)
JANE (or Joan)- Oh Jack! I'm really enjoying myself! Thanks so much for having me! Oh this? No its just a little chilly over by the punchbowl. All that ice. But I can think of some ways to keep warm, you know. Mmmhmmm. Jane? Oh I don't know. We didn't come together. Why are you thinking about Jane, anyway? Well, if I see her... I'll let you know! (Exits)
JOAN (or Jane)- Oh Jack! Over here! You look so busy- do you need any help? An extra hand? A massage? You could use a break... I wouldn't mind some peace and quiet, myself. Maybe upstairs? Well, I'll be over there if you need my assistance! (Exits)
JANE- Oh- you're such a tease!
JOAN- If I take this off- I'll have to take it all off...
JANE- Stop it! No, don't.
(Lights change. The two meet up again and make sure Jack isn't present)
JOAN- (takes shawl off, wig is fixed) Its certainly been a great party.
JANE- (pulls shawl down, uses it as a wrap) Its a shame it has to wind down.
JOAN- Parties always end.
JANE- Well, get home safe.
JOAN- I'm sure you will!
JANE- Oh, don't be bitter! It was worth a shot- you said so yourself. I respect you for trying but, he's not one for your games, Jonah.
JOAN- Don't call me that!
JANE- If mom can- I can!
JOAN- What makes you think he wants you to stay?
JANE- Are you kidding? He's been flirting with me all night!
JOAN- Not as much as with me.
JANE- I'm not going to spend all of my time arguing with you!
JOAN- You're right, you should be headed home.
JANE- What do you want? Should we ASK him when one of us he wants to spend the night?
JOAN- There's no need. I know he wants me.
JANE- You're delusional!
JOAN- He complimented my shoes.
JANE- Those are mine!
JOAN- I'm wearing them.
JANE- He doesn't even know you!
JOAN- What does he need to know? Its all in our eyes, Jane.
JANE- He can see that you're a deranged witch in identical clothes as your sister in your eyes?
JOAN- They're new contacts.
JANE- I don't have time for this... I'm going to get him! This is just ridiculous!
JOAN- (grabs Jane's dress) Oh no you don't! He's mine- he just doesn't know it! (rips Jane's skirt off)
JANE- (screams) Jonah!
JOAN- (correcting) Joan!
JANE- You freak!
JOAN- (gasps) Shhh!
(Jane grabs her skirt back through this and runs behind the bar to redress)
JANE- You have clearly lost your mind! Throwing drinks, ripping dresses, screaming, flirting!
JOAN- And what about you!? My hair! My feelings! You're heartless!
JANE- It runs in the family. Why are you doing this? What did I ever do that deserves such abuse. Yes yes- I stole a boyfriend or two... but we're young! Those men don't mean anything! You may have thought you 'loved' them but its just not true! C'mon Joanie... we've been through so much together. Can't you forgive me? And let me have Jack?
JOAN- You owe me for those men. Get out!
JANE-You owe me a new dress!
JOAN- You owe me hair!
JANE- Stop trying to top me!
JOAN- I don't need to try!
JANE- Maybe we should just both leave.
JANE- Is this party worth tearing up a family? No one's even come near us.
JOAN- Speak for yourself.
JANE- You've been with me all night! I haven't seen any heavy mingling going on over in your corner.
JOAN- Its all about eye conversations.
JANE- You've been carrying on eye conversations while I was talking to you? Thats insulting! With who? (looks into audience)
JOAN- Never you mind... maybe we should just go.
JANE- Never again will I stay at a party you're at.
JANE- We should probably compare calendars.
JANE- Have you even spoken to Jared recently?
JOAN- No. He despises anything that even remotely looks like us.
JANE- Its been a while. I should call him.
JOAN- I think he's changed his name.
JANE- That's drastic...
JOAN- Its probably for the best.
JOAN- He'd never want to see either of us again...
JOAN- Probably never.
JANE- And I suppose thats my fault, too?
JOAN- We can share this blame.
JANE- Its his loss, anyway.
JOAN- Which one of us?
JANE- (thinks) Both of us.
JOAN- Lets go.
JANE- All right... I should put this shawl back... I'll meet you outside.
JOAN- All right. Outside. (Joan fixes wig one last time and exits)
JANE- (watches her go, throws shawl behind bar and approaches front of stage) Oh Jack!
JOAN- (offstage) Jane!
JACK'S VOICE- Joan!
JANE- (correcting) Jane!
JACK'S VOICE- Right, Jane!
JOAN- (offstage) Jane!
JANE- Coming Joan!
JACK'S VOICE- G'nite Jane!
JOAN- (offstage) Goodnight Jack!
JANE- (leaving) Good night!
END OF PLAY